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My Choiceless Choice

I’m learning the hard way that suffering only increases when you demand from life that “this should not be happening to me.” When we go through crises our initial stance is to look at things as they “should be” and not address things for as “they are.”  Right now I am learning to accept what is and not compare it to what “should be.” Trust me when I say it’s not easy. It’s really tough when you are scared and anxious about what’s to come.

The other thing I am learning is that I really can’t dwell on whether or not something should be happening to me. I need to let go of that so that I can make room for the life that is. It’s a choiceless choice – accept what is, release what was; is to become my new focus.

I do not like to accept help from people. This is old baggage that stems from my days growing up under my mother’s roof. To her asking for help was like accepting defeat and  you were deemed weak. To hell be dammed – my mamma wasn’t going to raise no weak children. So, here I am with this fear of being viewed/labeled weak.  The fear of being not being able to do it all. This fear was not all bad because I have been able to succeed in spite of a lot of things. I pushed myself hard and made a way out of no way because (1) I was afraid of failing and (2) I didn’t have anyone who would help me if I needed it. I never knew how tightly I held onto that fear until now.  I’m going to have to let that go because now, I’m in a situation where I really can’t do it by myself. For a few weeks I’m going to need someone help me take care of me. I never knew how much that terrified me until now. And it’s not like I don’t have a wonderful group of people waiting for me to just say “yes, you can come help me.” I’m acting like I am all alone in this fight when I have a small army willing to do battle with me. I’m learning a lot about myself these days.

So, each day is a new opportunity for me to be more grateful. Wake up grateful that I was able to wake up and for the goodness that I have in my life. And knowing all the while, this too, shall pass.

 


2 Comments to My Choiceless Choice

  1. Seymour & Clara Broad

    The greatest blessing is to have people who DO love you and will be there for you when “the chips are down.”

  2. Vivienne

    True THAT! I hear you roaring.

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