Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve written a post and the reason for this is because Chance, my beloved Bernese Mountain Dog, died suddenly in August and I have been having a really hard time dealing with his passing.
It’s hard for me to “go about my day” without my friend, my pal, my confidante….the one being, I knew without hesitation or question loved me — regardless. He was my everything, he was my world. We did everything together. Every meal I ate was with him. He was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw every night. Needless to say I have been distraught, beside myself and not really knowing how to “pick up” and “move on” as so many people have been telling me to do.
I’ve written about my lack of family situation before. I may have been born into this “group” of people but they are not family and it’s ever more prevalent to me now. These people don’t call on a regular or semi regular basis to check in to say Hi or anything of the sort. Nothing like the family I created with Chance. You see, Chance actually gave a damn about me. He cared. He truly did. I was his world and he made me feel special, special enough for a goof a dog to care about and love. You know what? The one thing that he wanted? He wanted me to be happy. That’s all. Simple, right? Chance just wanted me to be happy. Funny thing is that I didn’t know what happiness was. Happiness…the elusive word that everyone chases. That feeling … well what is it? For me it was sitting on the couch with Chance watching our favorite cooking shows on the Food Network. Walking in Riverside Park. Being able to hear him snore while he napped throughout the day. Seeing his tail wag. Watching him play wrestle on the floor with my friend David. Seeing him prance whenever I stuck my hand into the treat tin. That was happiness to me. And I can tell you right now I am not happy. I am sad, very sad. I think I can say this honestly… I am depressed.
The day Chance died was by far the worse day of my life. I really didn’t know what to do when the vet came out and told me that Chance died…but 3 people came to my rescue when I called. I was in shock to receive the news and I just dialed the last 3 people I spoke to and you know what? They came running. All they wanted to know was the address and they all converged on the hospital. I found that hard to believe, people who cared that much about me. Even in my deepest despair that these 3 people would drop everything, leave work, take cabs and come to my aide. Me, a person my own “family” doesn’t find important enough to cherish.
I learned two things that dreadful day. I learned that some people do care and those people may not be the family that I was “hatched into.” The second thing I learned is that my heart and my life will never be the same.
I never really asked God for much and I seem to be asking him/her for the same thing everyday. Would you please bring back my dog, please? I tell God that I’m a good person. I barter with God on a regular basis about what I would do if s/he would just bring back the one being that truly loved me. But I get the same answer. Silence. What I am left with are the memories of Chance bouncing along and his ashes in a mahogany box.